I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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