im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
