fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
