I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
As shirtless as possible
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
