this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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