Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
