dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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