So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
