he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You're earring is so big in my mouth
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
