I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
