i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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