EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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