then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
