last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
