If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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