My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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