I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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