Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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