So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
