i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
