My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
