guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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