she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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