and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
