So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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