why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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