you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just invented taco cereal.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
