I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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