I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
