Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
