I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Are we still banned from the library?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
