i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
