if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
