Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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