we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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