I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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