I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
