i just sold back the books i vomitted on
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
