Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
