dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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