We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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