I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
