walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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