I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
