I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
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