I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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