I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
