We're facebook friends in real life
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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