you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
