I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
