So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
