nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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