Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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