oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
