the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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