You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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