I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
