my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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