bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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