please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
