I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
