The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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