Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I wear drunk well.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
