Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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