Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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